He Doesn't See Me
by seiferfetish
Summary: One-shot songfic from Quistis' POV, during Squall's and Rinoa's dance. PG-13 for language. Please enjoy and comments are appreciated!


_When he passes me by_

_He's a ray of light_

_Like the first drop of sun_

_From the sky_

_And I know he's a king_

_Who deserves a queen_

_But I'm not a queen_

_And he doesn't see me_

     I watch as their eyes meet, watch her point above and smile, watch him tilt his head in the most expression I've ever seen on his face, and watch as she starts toward him.  I'm close enough to see their faces, but not close enough to hear their words.  I don't need to hear them to know she's asking if he'll dance with her.  Quietly, I snort and fold my arms, leaning back against the pillar I'm standing in front of.  Squall Leonhart knew how to dance, definitely-I'd seen the classes required for SeeDs-but to actually get him to do it, in public, when it was not for a grade…Impossible.

     But wait…I stand back up, my eyes riveted on the two.  Does he look apologetic?  He does!  I take a step forward, but quickly retreat when he looks away from her, his beautiful blue-gray eyes sweeping the room, passing over me as if I'm not even there.  I hope I look…I don't know.  Certainly not like I am spying on him!  That's all I need.  But my eyes are fastened on them again, once his eyes meet hers again.

     My mouth drops open.  I'm sure I look like a fish, but I have no control.  She's taken a hold of his hand and is dragging him to the middle of the dance floor, as the band starts up a waltz.  And the hurt wells up inside.  One of my hands fists below my heart.  I feel as if the wind has been knocked out of me.  He can barely stand my presence in the Fire Cavern and yet, he will dance with some strange girl in a short white dress.  Short enough dress, I ask myself cattily.  He's being dragged, I try and tell myself, but one thing I am not is stupid.  If he really did not want to dance with her, she would not have been able to move him from that wall.  She would not have been able to move Selphie Tilmitt from the wall either.  SeeDs are anything but weak and for Squall to allow himself to be lead meant anything but lack of interest.

     They pass me by, Squall stumbling behind her, but he doesn't see me.

_When he dances_

_He moves me to a smile_

_And I see everything_

_Near him shine_

_There's a grace in his ways_

_That I can't contain_

_I haven't that grace_

_Oh, I haven't that grace_

     I no longer care if anyone is watching me.  I slump against the pillar, my eyes not masked, filled with tears.  Yet even some part of me will not let them fall.  Not in public.  All plans for asking him to dance with me disappear through the French doors to the balcony and I feel the urge to retire to my room, early, begging off chaperone duty after the party.  But the urge to watch him is too great and I stand there, frozen, unable to understand what I am seeing.

     Squall is messing up the waltz.  The waltz he knows like the back of his hand.  Nerves?  Squall rarely got nervous.  Or if he did, he never showed it.  Yet the blatant display of embarrassment on the dance floor has me puzzled.  I cannot hide my glee as Squall starts to walk off, but the girl, damn her, is persistent and pulls him back, unwilling to give up on him.  I wince as they crash into another couple and admit that at that point, I probably would have given up on him too.  At least if I had not known just how well he could dance.  She sticks her tongue out-I roll my eyes-and then smiles up at him.  Both of my fists tighten as they join hands and pick up the waltz again.  It's almost a whole new dance.

     As jealous as I am, I feel a smile cross my face as Squall regains himself and once again epitomizes the grace I am so familiar with.  He has it in battle, completely one with his gunblade, in his stride when he walks down the hall, even just in standing.  I can think of only one other person with such grace.  Also a gunblade specialist.  On a hunch, I turn and see him standing in the shadows near the exit.  His green eyes are on the couple dancing, as well, but he must feel my gaze because his eyes suddenly meet mine, the color of them fiery and intense.  His grace was more feline than Squall's.  And perhaps what makes Squall's grace far more appealing than Seifer Almasy is Seifer knows just how predatory he is and that makes him more dangerous.  An arrogant smirk crosses Seifer's face, almost as if he knows what I am thinking, and he salutes mockingly.  But I'm used to it.  So I just raise an eyebrow and return to watching the couple on the dance floor.  

     The dance is over and suddenly the lights dim and fireworks fill the air.  Both Squall and his dance partner look up, while cheers and applause erupt from all around the ballroom.  I do not watch the fireworks though.  I've seen them before and I have never seen the expression on Squall's face before, in all the years I have known him.  All the years…It's as close to a smile as I have ever seen cross his gorgeous features, and I'm struck dumb.  It's breath-taking.  Then my attention is taken from Squall to the girl.  She's looking over his shoulder towards the exit and I turn, wondering, and see Seifer lounging there, smirk on his face, as he motions for her to join him.  Confused, I turn back to see her wink an apology at Squall before walking towards Seifer.  He watches her go, and I watch him.

     Even I can see the longing in his eyes.

_And the closer he gets_

_I can't help but hide_

_So ashamed_

_Of my body and voice_

_There are boundaries_

_We pass in spite of the war_

_But our own_

_We can't seem to cross_

     Another dance starts up and I swallow hard, and take a step away from the pillar.  Squall suddenly looks around and strides off the floor, heading right for me.  Or the balcony doors on the other side of me.  All resolve fades as he gets closer, and once again, I scrunch myself into the shadows of the pillar.  Somehow, any confidence I once had is gone.  I cannot face him, cannot bring up the courage to ask him to dance.  Cannot bear to face the rejection I know I will get.  His gaze passes over my face as he goes by, and I try to make it as impassive as possible.  Not that it matters.  He doesn't see me.

_She has a way that surrounds her_

_So delicate_

_With a glory that reigns in her life_

_She is also so much that she is not_

_These things I can't see_

_'Cause he doesn't see me_

_Oh-oh-oh ..._

_And he doesn't see me_

     I am angry.  Angry at myself, angry at Squall, but most of all, angry at the girl.  The girl who appeared out of nowhere and claimed something incredibly important to me.  I spin around, glare pointed directly at the girl, and I start towards her.  I am halfway there when I see that she is not alone.  Not Seifer.  I do not worry about Seifer anymore, because I can do nothing right in front of him.  But she is talking to Cid.  I dare not interrupt that, especially if she is a potential customer.  The last thing I need to do is make a fool of myself in front of Cid while he is engaging in working out a contract.  And a contract is the only thing I can think of that would make sense for her to be talking to him.  Why else did one talk to the Headmaster of Balamb Garden?

     I slow my pace down and force a professional smile onto my lips, as I get closer.  To stop would only draw more attention to myself.

     "-resistance faction," I heard her say, her voice high and sweet, as she gestures.  "Galbadia has been occupying Timber for ages, and we could really use…"

     My eyes meet Seifer's for the second time that night and he smirks again, interrupting the brunette.

     "Well, well, Instructor Trepe.  Fancy meeting you here," he salutes.  Cid's face came around and right away, I know something was wrong.  But I hadn't done anything wrong.  Perhaps it was something else.  The girl stops talking, and faces me curiously.

     "Seifer," I smile indulgently, before saluting Cid.  "Headmaster."  My eyes swing to the girl and a slight frown creases her brow, as I smile, not a little sharply.  Carefully, I say politely,"Quistis Trepe," and extend my hand.

     She takes it hesitantly, looking as if she is afraid I might bite her, but her grip was firm and my eyebrows raise in surprise.  "Rinoa Heartilly.  Nice to meet you."

     "Likewise."

     Bewilderment fills her eyes at my short reply, but she turns back to Cid and smiles angelically.  Ugh, I think, but make myself part of the group as she once again explains her situation.  Seifer is not listening to her.  Too often I've seen the same expression on his face in my class.  But he was looking at me.  I meet his eyes quizzically, but he says nothing, just stares at me, hard.  A bit disconcerted, I shift uncomfortably and listen to Rinoa.

     Although I am jealous, as I listen, I am impressed by her determination in freeing Timber.  Perhaps the reason she enticed Squall so was the way she lights up when she talks, her eyes sparkling with her emotions.  Then she names her price and I wince.  Garden would NEVER do it for so little…

     "I do not think that will be a problem, Miss Heartilly," Cid smiles and my jaw drops.  Garden was going to DO it?!  For such a paltry sum?  Unbelievable.  My eyes refocus as her eyes sparkle even more and she throws her arms around Cid.

     "Thank you so much, Cid!  Oh my gosh, thank you!"  Laughing, she lets go of him and turns, then, to throw her arms around Seifer.  My eyes widen even more as Seifer grins down at her and wraps his arms around her possessively.  Were they…?  His eyes meet mine and he sneers.  However, I am amused.  Did Rinoa unknowingly snare both gunblade specialists, both rivals, in her web?  Too charming.  I wonder how Squall would feel knowing that he danced with Seifer's girlfriend.  Not that I will be the one to tell him, jealous as I am.  It is not my place after all.  But if Rinoa is taken, perhaps I still have a small chance.

     Nodding at the three of them, I turn away towards the balcony, but Cid stops me.

     "Quistis, I need to talk to you, if you have a minute."

     Only a SeeD recognizes such a command when they hear it.  Rinoa and Seifer, with a last mocking smile, left the ballroom, his arm looped around her shoulders, her chattering echoing down the hall.  I salute Cid.  "Sir?"

_There are things we can change_

_If we just choose to fight_

_But the walls of injustice are high_

     Cid looks uncomfortable as he shifts his weight from one foot to the other.  I stare at him questioningly, unsure how to put him at ease, but if he's uncomfortable, I'm not sure I want to make whatever it is he wants to say easier.  He clears his throat and looks up at me through his thick glasses.  "Quistis.  Uh, I know this isn't the time and place for this, but I couldn't find you earlier…"  He flushes a dull red and I swallow.  

     "Time and place for what, sir?"

     Cid sighs, sticks his hand in his pocket, and stares anywhere but at me.  "Quistis, you know I love you like a daughter.  If it were up to me, I wouldn't be doing this.  But you need to hear it from me before it goes into effect."  A daughter?  Doing what?  What goes into effect?  Cid sighs again, deeper, sadly, and withdraws his hand, holding it out to me.  I look down uncertainly at his outstretched hand before I realize he is holding a piece of paper.  Hesitantly, I reach out and take it.

     My stomach flips as I read the words, my heart sinking into the floor.  I must be pale for Cid asks nervously,"Quistis, are you okay?"  Am I okay?  Am I OKAY?  Slowly I raise my eyes to his and he looks away.  My hand is shaking and the paper falls to the ground.

     "Sir?"  It's not my voice, but a weaker raspier version of it, pleading for explanation.

     "I'm sorry, Quistis.  It wasn't my call," he flounders.  He opens his mouth to say something else, but out of nowhere, a Garden Faculty member appears.

     "Headmaster, there is someone from Dollet Dukedom here to see you about the events of earlier.  He wishes to speak to you right away."

     "Uh…of course."  Cid looks at me, bends over and picks up the paper, hands it to me, and follows the faculty member away.

      I stare blankly at the piece of paper in my hand, unable to believe what I see.

     Everything is blurry and I realize my eyes have welled up.  Abruptly I turn and run towards the exit, blinded by the tears in my eyes.  And collide with someone.  "I'm sorry," I bow politely, trying to keep my voice level.  "I was just-"

     "Instructor Trepe, you need to watch where you're going."

     My throat constricts and I suddenly find it hard to breathe.  No, please, I beg.  Not now.  Not now.  But there was no mistaking the bottom of the gray trenchcoat.  I blink my tears back, hoping he will not notice, and raise my head to meet his gaze.  "Seifer."  Please don't notice.  Please don't notice.

     But of course he does.  His perceptive jade eyes narrow and leans closer to me.  "What the hell happened to you?"

     "Nothing."  My voice cracks, but I ignore it, pretend it doesn't happen.

     "Just because I didn't make SeeD doesn't mean I'm stupid, Instructor.  Obviously something is wrong."

     Instructor.  "Don't call me that," I whisper, pleading silently for him to leave me alone.  My fist tightens around the piece of paper, and the crinkling noise draws his attention.  Quickly, he reaches for the paper and snatches it out of my hand before I realize what he's doing.  "No!"  He's too quick, holding it above his head out of my reach while he reads it.

     Then he hands it back, giving a long, low whistle.  "Wow."  His green eyes are serious when they meet mine.  Wow.  That's all you can say, Seifer?  Wow?!  Where's the celebration?  Where's the jeers, the laughter.  He sees these questions and his eyes darken, but he says,"I'm sorry, Trepe."

     Sorry.  He's sorry.  My face tightens and I murmur dangerously," You're sorry?  Sorry that it didn't happen sooner, I bet!"  I look around, crazily, eyes wild, before I point at him.  "This wouldn't have happened if you would follow orders for once in your life!  I was fired because I couldn't control you!"  He draws back.  "Do you have any idea what it's like to be a FAILURE?!"

     Aware that we have drawn attention, he grabs my arm and pulls me into the hall and out of the ballroom.  "Who the hell do you think you're talking to, Trepe?"  He lets go and flings me against the wall.  "How many times have I taken this fucking test now?  Did it ever occur to you that maybe I just wasn't instructed well enough.  That maybe I wasn't the one lacking?  That maybe YOU were the one?"

     "Others I taught passed, Seifer!  Zell, Squall-"

     Seifer snorts.  "Pussies.  They'd have passed if a junior cadet taught them, Trepe!  They're fucking robots.  And so are you.  Finally someone realized that robots can't teach and you took the fall for it.  So congratulations."  Tears fall freely from my eyes and I raise my hand to dash them away, but Seifer stops me, holding my arms at my side, firmly but…gently.  "It's okay to cry, Trepe.  It's okay to not be a robot."  His green eyes stare into mine, trying to make me understand.  Then something changes in them.  

     A slight frown creasing his forehead, his face lowers, getting closer and closer to mine.  My eyes widen and I jerk away, back to him, uncomfortable with the way my heart has sped up.  I'm breathing heavily, and I take long deep breaths to slow my heart rate down.  Then I lift my hand and brush away the tears, before turning back to face him.  He's watching me, eyes hooded by the shadows in the hallway.

     "I don't want your advice, Seifer.  I would much prefer to be a robot who can pass a test instead of being a failure for the rest of my life."

     His eyes blaze with green fire and he takes a step toward me, but I don't back away.  Then he smirks.  "But you are, Instructor.  You ARE a failure.  You failed me."  Then he was gone.  But his voice floated back.

     "Puberty Boy is on the balcony still."

_When he passes me by_

_He's a ray of light_

_Like the first drop of sun_

_From the sky_

_And I know he's a king_

_Who deserves a queen_

_Someone other than me_

_So different from me_

     I stare after him, but make no move.  He's right.  I failed him.  

     The tears appear again, but I will not succumb to them.  I will prove that I am the best SeeD around, and my students will be right there next to me.  Then they-he-will know how wrong they were when they called me a failure.  I am Quistis Trepe.  And I have proof that I was a good instructor, no matter what Seifer Almasy says.  My proof is standing on the balcony.  I crumple the paper revoking my license, toss it into the nearest trashcan, and reenter the ballroom.

     I feel as if everyone is staring at me.  But it doesn't matter.  I raise my head and meet their gazes head on.  I will prove them wrong.  Especially Seifer.  Yet no matter how much I tell myself this, I need proof.  I need someone to talk to, I need…

     Squall.

     He is staring out over the Alcauld Plains, towards the ocean.  His brown hair blows lightly in the breeze, lit by the moon, and I catch my breath.  All thoughts of Seifer and proving everyone else wrong fade away and are replaced by thoughts of Squall.  Just Squall.  Wanting to be closer to Squall.  I take a step forward, but just watch him.

     "What?" he finally asks.

     "You can't tolerate my presence but you'll dance with some girl you don't even know?" I demand, brushing a strand of hair back.

     "You're my instructor.  It's weird if you don't say anything," he shrugs.

_Oh-oh-oh ..._

_He doesn't see me_

     His instructor.  Always and only his instructor.

_Oh-oh-oh ..._

_He doesn't see me_

     "Go talk to a wall."

_He doesn't see me_

***************************

A/N:  This was just something that popped into my mind while I was listening to music and doing math homework.  I was hoping it would help me overcome writer's block so I can work on "Blood and Fire", but I don't think it worked. ^_^  "He Doesn't See Me" by Sarah Brightman.  Thank you for reading and reviews are much appreciated!


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